Movie Idea

 So I had this idea for a movie, it would go like this...

The main character is a guy in his late twenties, kind of a loser, sort of a dick but overly likable. He is however fat and disgusting - burps, farts, picks his nose, etc. So he works at a shitty job washing dishes and moping floors at a coffee shop, and has a best friend who's better looking and more successful than him, and a girlfriend that barely tolerates him, like one step away from dumping his ass.

Let's call our main character "John." So John goes to the flea market and buys a lamp. Later that day, he cleans the lap, and a magic genie pops out, and of course says he'll grant John three wishes. John is pissed off that he's so fat, and can't seem to lose any weight, so he wishes that from now on all the ice cream in the world tastes like liver and onions. "That way I won't eat it anymore," he says. The genie grants his wish. Then we get a nice montage of little kids eating ice cream around the world and suddenly spitting it out, puking, crying, etc. Birthday parties are ruined. People are dumping ice cream in the streets. Baskin Robins goes out of business. John is oblivious to all this, and promptly forgets all about it. He still doesn't lose any weight.

Then, John and his better looking, more successful friend (let's call him Shaun,) are watching TV, and this really horrible children's TV show comes on. They get into a conversation as to why TV is so shitty, which leads to John making a bet that he could make an incredibly shitty TV show on purpose and people will watch and like it, just because it's on TV. He then summons the genie, and uses his second wish for five BILLION dollars, which he uses to create a production company. They make a 52 episode children's cartoon called "Meatformers - more than meats the eye," with associated toy and apparel line. He then straight out pays every major network to air his piece of shit TV show round the clock, 24-7, until all his money is gone. Sure enough, it gains a world wide following. The networks order new seasons. Michael Bay makes a movie adaption where things blow up. People are dressing up as Optimus Prime-rib, Meatatron, Chicken-scream, etc at conventions and shit. Shaun is forced to concede defeat, and has to do something stupid like run across the freeway naked with an egg gripped between his buttcheecks as a result.

Finally, one day John goes into a Sizzler, and wants to eat some shrimp. The owner of this Sizzlers is a dick to him earlier in the movie, so to teach him a lesson, John wishes for the ability to eat as much as he wants without getting full. He then proceeds to eat every single shrimp in the entire restaurant, pissing off all the other customers. When the owner tries to charge him more than the usual $9.99, John refuses. The police get called. John then sues Sizzler, which results in a court scene in which his friend Shaun backs up a dump truck full of deep fried shrimp into the court room. We then get a long, continuous, shot of John eating shrimp, for like fifteen minutes. Just John eating shrimp, after shrimp, after shrimp. Literally a fifteen minute, uninterrupted eating scene. No dialog, no music, no cuts, nothing but a guy eating shrimp.

So anyway, he loses the court battle anyway, because the judge gets pissed off that his entire defense was him demonstrating his ability to eat shrimp, but John is still rich from his Meatformers TV show so he doesn't give a fuck. Then, his girlfriend finds the lamp, and summons the genie. Let's call the girlfriend "Sarah." John tells her about the wishes he made.

Sarah then proceeds to rip John a new asshole. For like half an hour, all we see is her just bitching him the fuck out, calling him stupid, calling him a moron, etc. Just screaming at him with disbelief that he'd waste his wishes making a stupid ass TV show and making fucking ice cream taste like liver and onions, throwing shit at his head, telling him about all the things he could have done - cured cancer, cured AIDS, solved world hunger, world peace, saved the whales, etc. This sequence needs to be minimum 30 minutes long, with her finally just leaving, taking the lamp with her, screaming that she's going to have to waste one of her wishes making ice cream taste good again, etc. Presumably she goes off to actually use her wishes to make the world a better place, but we don't see that.

The move ends with a shot of John playing video games, still fat, still gross, still a fucking loser, having learned absolutely fucking nothing from the whole experience. The end.

So, what do you think?

Universal Monster's WOLFMAN from NECA

 

Hello folks! My latest toy unboxing is the Wolfman from Neca, just in time for Halloween. This is a seven inch tall "color version," and depicts Lon Chaney as the iconic character. This is party of Neca's "Ultimate" line which also includes the Universal Monsters versions of Frankenstein, the Mummy, as well as modern horror movie icons such as Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees, and others. An excellent and highly detailed figure, and already starting to be hard to find. 

Man-E-Faces from Masters of the Universe Origins

 

This blog is quickly becoming all about toys, and tbh I don't really feel to bad about that. Now is kind of the greatest time to be alive if you're a toy collector like me. All the stuff that was cool in the 80s and 90s is back now, and it's 20 times better. 

Masters of the Universe Origins for example is one of the greatest toy lines I've ever collected. They remain true to the original designs but update them in subtle ways. The changes they do make improve upon the originals. 

Anyway, this Man-E-Faces figure is great. Everyone should buy them.

Masters of the Universe Origins Battle Cat unboxing and reivew

 

So you've all probably figured out by this point that I'm a massively huge gigantic fan of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. We seem to be going through a He-Man renaissance nowadays, what with the Masterverse toyline, the Revelations show, the WWE Universe toys, and also the new Netflix He-Man CG show. Still my favorite of all of these is still the Origins line. These are just like the toys I had when I was ten years old but better in almost every way. 

Battlecat is the first mount thusfar for Origins, and it's almost perfect. The plastic feels good, the sculpt looks great. It's slightly taller and bulkier than the vintage figure, but this seems to be mostly due to the stance the toy has. The only thing which would have made this better would be to give it ankle articulation. Besides this the figure is nearly perfect.

Godzilla vs Kong Movie is Terrible Fun

 

When I was eight years old, the first movie I ever bought with my own money was the original King Kong vs. Godzilla, on VHS.  Up until that point my exposure to Godzilla was mainly from library books, in particular Godzilla by Ian Thorne, which my elementary school library had a copy of. I watched that tape so many times that it started to wear out (those grainy lines started to appear in various places, especially the monster fight scenes.) I must have watched that movie 150 times over the years, and it introduced me to a love of tokusatu that continues to this day. Through the revivals the Godzilla franchise had in the 90s and 2000s I often thought about how awesome it would be to get an updated remake of this film with modern effects. So when I found out that it was actually happening I jumped for joy, had a heart attack, and crapped my pants all at the same time.

The final result is.. well.. not a bad movie. That is to say, the plot moves along quickly, the effects are great, the monsters both get a lot of screentime, and most importantly the fights are probably the best monster fights ever put to screen. But if you're looking for strong human characters, well written dialog, or a plot that makes sense, well this ain't it.

But you know what? Who cares. Kaiju films never really had strong or even memorable human characters, not really. Nor did they have realistic premises, or plots that didn't have holes big enough to drive a truck through, and especially continuity with other films in the series. Quick - name the name of the main male lead of Destroy All Monsters. You can't, and you know why? Because nobody watches these movies for the human beings. We watch them for the monsters. We watch them to see Godzilla rake a row of tanks with his atomic breath, or Kong to beat up some dinosaurs. We watch them to see cities get destroyed and to have two men in badly made rubber suits do wrestling moves on each other. That's the point of kaiju films, to turn your brain off and have fun. Who cares if Godzilla can blow a hole through literal dozens of miles into the center of the Earth with his Atomic breath? Who cares if Kong and the scientists have to go through some weird wormhole-thing when descending into the hollow Earth but not when they climb back out? Who cares that there's somehow a sun in the middle of the Earth, or that the humans are walking around in what should be a radioactive pressure cooker with no protection and they don't all get sick and die, or that two giant monsters who are essentially animals somehow have enough sense to team up against the bad guy robot Mechagodzilla (who is awesome and easily steals the show) for no reason when five minutes beforehand they were trying to kill each other. It doesn't have to make sense. It only has to be fun.

So in that respect, the movie delivers. It's a blast to watch and a great ending to the Legendary Godzilla franchise. Just don't go in expecting something it's not and you'll have a great time.

The C64 Mini - Unboxing and Review

 

Hello folks! Finally a new video from UCD videos. This week I'm doing an unboxing and quick review of the C64 mini. This is a small miniaturized Commodore 64 which runs an emulator, with 64 built in games that came out in 2018. I didn't own a Commodore 64 when I was a kid, in fact I don't think I ever knew anyone who had one, so all of these games are new to me. It's a great little machine and definitely worth buying if you're into retro gaming.

He-Man Masters of the Universe Origins Unboxing Review

Today we're doing an unboxing and review of He-Man, from the Masters of the Universe origins line. It took me a little longer to get my hands on this one as for the first few months they were bought up by scalpers, but the price has come down a bit lately. Most definitely wait, as these are like the best toys ever made.